The absent father/The absent family

I never imagined in a million years I would grieve the loss of a family that are still alive. I never imagined in a million years to have felt the sheer pain of my son been totally let down by the people who should love him unconditionally, and I still sit hear in disbelief how anyone can actually treat there own flesh and blood the way they have done. For me it has been far harder as I haven’t just been dealing with an absent father it’s an entire family. 

I offered the chance of my child’s father to be apart of his life or not when I found I was pregnant and he vowed to be the best father he could be. Instead he met someone else and just didn’t bother with my son. Despite my best efforts at trying to get him to be a father he wasn’t interested at all. Instead he decided to tell me he was working instead of actually coming to see his son and In the end he choose her instead of my son and her he disregarded his son. What’s hurt me the most is this person has tried to play the devoting dad whilst actually not having any feelings of what should have been a natural bond. Lots of questions circulate around to how I am going to explain that because of his dads feelings towards me, that he doesn’t want to be a father and how am I going to explain to him that his dad don’t love him enough to be apart of his life but instead created a new life with someone else and stood by his other offspring? How am I supposed to explain to him when he’s older all the unanswered questions that I physically cannot answer? And what if he thinks he’s not worthy and grows up feeling rejected? All the future questions at times have hurt me like I’ve never been hurt before. As mother who adores my son with all the love in my heart that I couldn't put into words what he meant to me. I have sat upset thinking what father actually puts a women before his own son? But what sort of women actually allows his as well. How can I explain to him when he’s older how he stood by one child and not the other, how he vanished without saying goodbye and how despite everything I’ve been put through by his father that I still tried to do right by my son? How does this person actually live with them selfs I’ve no idea but equally how can this person get about there daily life not knowing anything about the beautiful little boy we created. All his first words, his first drawling his first mile stones he’s missed and not been there to share any of this? Instead he choose a life with someone else and he choose for my son not to be in it. How can he settle down with someone else with his first born just tossed a side. I’ve grieved I’ve hurt and I’ve felt pain as a mother  what I never imagined to feel. New feelings I hurt for my son. I still sit in disbelief that someone can be so inhuman to treat there own flesh and blood in such a vile manner. 

With that goes his entire family who I’ve endlessly battled at trying to have them have contact with my son, how can first grandparents just walk out of there first born grandchild's life because situations became difficult and how do they live Day to day life knowing they will be grandparents again yet have totally let my son down and how am I going to answer these questions very painful ones my son will ask when he’s old enough to ask. Why were other grandchildren more important than me? Why wasn’t I loved enough? What did I do wrong.

At times this has kept me awake at night left wondering thinking of the future of this most amazing little thing on the entire planet. I give him all the love I have, and more I give him the best life I can a good life but will he blame me when he’s older? Will he eventually want to see the family that have not been there or bothered with him? Or will he never want to see them? Will I tell him

When he’s older the truth...:

One thing is for sure though I’ve given that many opportunities and tried to build so many bridges with this family it is unreal despite the hurt I’ve felt whilst battling with third parties trying to sabotage at every aspect of this. 

Then it came to me a thought a moment, I wish I never told any of them I was pregnant I wish I hadn’t of made that call to the ex’s mum I wish I could turn the clock back and walked away from the relationship far earlier to save myself from the heartache I’ve felt as a mum. I sit and think in the heartache through the journey we have faced together as nothing but a hurtful one but what does a mother do shields there offspring and protect them. Sure my mind wonders so far into the future rather than taking each day as it comes and thankfully my son is far too young to understand and that’s such a blessing so the only person that hurts is me my family and all my close friends who have supported me on this journey. Thinking into the future and how I will choose to handle it is a difficult choice. However it is my choice and in the end I will protect him from all of this. After all isn’t that what a mother does? So right or wrong he won’t be told about them, he won’t be told how his father choose a women over him, how his father let him down and had future offspring. How his grandparents let him down how they weren’t there how they stood by other grandchildren but totally let my son down. That means although my heartaches his heart never will ache. He doesn’t have to ask all those horrific questions and he will be shielded from this.

Despite everything he is truly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I miscarried before him and at no way did I expect him. I would put myself through it all again in a heartbeat because he is worth absolutely everything. He is my world my all and everything and I am totally in love with him. He’s the most amazing little boy on the planet and I am so blessed to be blessed with most precious little human ever. 

From one single mum to another.

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